Something...

I've been beginning to realize...I'm missing something. Not sure what it is yet.

I mean there has always been a hint ...ever since I was 12 years old... that I was missing something. Why did I realize this at this age? I try to think back to events...but I draw a blank...or maybe I want it to be blank...don't really know why I realized this at that age but I knew it was something important....that will determine my future..my happiness...my...*sigh*... I guess its hard to explain. So I search with my mind, heart, and soul. What is it that I am missing? It must be something great. Beyond anything I've ever experienced. I imagine what I could be missing...but then I think...maybe its not up to me. Idk...every time I think I've found it...further down the road I feel a sense of adverse fate. What could I be missing? I think I found it once upon a time... well almost...I let it slip away though...I try to deny that that isn't what I'm missing. Hopefully it isn't because I am convinced that it will never return...at least not in the form of what it used to be. Maybe this is the reason I shed uncontrollable tears at contingent times in my life. Which makes me even more eager to find this something.

Is what I'm missing an emotional fulfillment?... physical fulfillment? ...spiritual fulfillment? ...I think I've attempted through all of these aspects. Still haven't found it. It's something. I just don't know what yet. Maybe I should give it more time...

~*Bethany*