Sunday, March 30, 2008

Pause, Stop, Resume, or Return to Start

"People change and forget to tell each other"- Lillian Hellman (A quote from my daily quote calendar.)
This is the absolute truth.
Everyone can agree.
I wish this wouldn't happen though.
It creates uneasy times.
Makes you believe what you thought was genuine was only a show.
But I guess it's a part of life
...and life goes on.
It could be for the better
...who are we to judge?
You either choose to accept it or you say goodbye forever.
I choose to accept it.
In the end it helps one to grow.
Broadens ones perspective on things.
And can consequently bring the ones you love closer to your heart.
I would hope if it were me wouldn't choose the latter.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Laugh, Live, Love again

Maxwell's "this woman's work" played as my alarm to wake me up in ironic...spoke the words straight to me....God giving me a chance to smile when I hear this song..instead of cry....this was my day to give that song more meaning in my life than it already has...

Well I just got home like 30min ago
Floated on and above the clouds today...felt good just letting go
To feel the feeling one last time before I end it for good...
no more touching the sky for me...Ive touched the sky enough
I just needed that release one last time...last blow lingered in the sky for a while
High in the sky..
Felt I was ready...went for it...

Then I was pushed 6ft least that is what my heart felt like...

So then Im driving down the 405 freeway south going home...feeling like my life is over ...Never have I experienced a feeling like this before...God needed me to...i needed to
I turn on the radio...a song begins... "What You Got" by Colby O Donis ft. Akon ....This song that Im sure has played on the radio plenty of times already but for some reason that moment... my cue is to roll down the the sun roof and zooooooooom...I put the radio on blast and continued to song is slow enough for my mood but up beat enough that I feel revitalized...It felt like every beat in the hook brought me back to defibrillator over my chest...
It wasnt the words of the song that got to me .... the beat and my own words that came to my head i think it was
...and the constant "what you got"
I start to think of what I have...I have quite alot
Towards the end of the song I take an exit ...stopped at the light...closed my eyes...and somehow the last hook of the song came to me in different words...
A single tear drop from each eye fell...and a smile appeared on my face
I don't know if it was God but if it was I would love to thank him ...he sure did prove he works in mysterious ways...

I continued to drive allowing the wind to dry my tears...I began to pass santa monica beach ...I inhaled....exhaled...changed the station on the radio...what did I find? song from just a little while earlier was on another station...I immediately parked my car put the radio on blast and smiled towards the ocean... into the darkness....which somehow felt brighter than usual....I leaned on my car thinking (not thinking of if i'm making any noise..or if someone is going to kill me...or if the police will catch me) thinking about future...I'm ready for feel so good...i'm ready for it...its so true how they say what makes you weak will definitely make you stronger...because that has been my revelation tonight/ this morning...
I must live life to love it...What I'm doing is living it...there are those happy times....funny times...angry times...sad times that I say I feel when I watch Life is Beautiful...that is in fact what makes life soooo beautiful!
As long as I have loved along the regrets...I'm happy...that is all that counts...You don't always get what you matter how much you think you deserve it or its destined to be...just cherish what you got...


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Alto Via Da Di Vita!

So yea..I feel high off of is most definitely beautiful...a beautiful feeling..sight...mmmmmm...I just LOVE it!

I watched my 2nd favorite movie in the world today! yay! ...La Vita e Bella!....I love it and if you havent seen it you are crazy!...Watch it with me! I will watch it a million...billion...trillion times if I have to! It makes me pour out all of my emotions...I'm happy...I laugh...I get angry...I get sad...I happens over and over again and I love it! :)

I have plenty of favorite parts...But one particular part sticks out each time...I guess it depends on what mood I'm it at the time..Well here is my favorite part today...funny but romantic!!!

(Guido is the Main character...who falls in love and marries Dora...his Principessa!...awwww! yea and the best thing is since he helped write and he directed the movie..he casted his real life wife as his wife in the movie! they are in love in real life!)

Guido: I forgot to tell you.
Dora: Go ahead.
Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
Dora: Say what?
Guido: That I want to make love to you...not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.

Watching this movie always makes me happy...and then it continues with a spectacular day...I loved today thanks to my unexpected visitor who took me away for the night! I can makes this a spectacular week!...let's see...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Memories Have Taken Control

Sometimes I envy the people who don't have a very good memory...or select amnesia for that matter. I would rather forget somethings. Some memories make life more complicated and you wish you had never created those memories...but at the same time you love them.

Maybe there is a reason I constantly ...repeatedly...daydream the rememberance of certain people...words...situations...episodes of the past. Is God trying to tell me something? Please give me more signs because these memories are making it difficult to move on in my life. I can't move on thinking maybe I'm forgetting something. I feel like I'm working backwards...but why? Am I really forgetting something...someone? I know things of my past are lessons learned ...and trust me...I've learned lessons. I try to forget you know? I try to bring up the bad in my mind...cuz if I let myself believe that that particular person...situation...episode...those particular words were bad...then I would want to forget them...put them behind me. ...But hurts me to say...the good out weighs the bad....And there is always something that reminds me of this...even when I close my eyes. I'm reminded to remember ...remember. Its like my mind, body, and spirit want to relive those heart being the keeper of the three. No matter how hard I try to replace those memories with other people...words...and situations.....those memories come...and come...and come again. These memories want to move on with me..should I make a move? What if the people of my past...the situations of my past...the words of my past don't want to move forward with me? Then will the memories cease? I'll be fine if I just get my questions answered...I'll be able to move forward with no regrets...rather than moving backwards. Am I evaluating these present occurances correctly God? I don't want to get ahead of myself now...this is my life I'm talking about future...


Friday, March 21, 2008

Better Left Unsaid

Had a two and a half hour convo with a very good friend last night/ this morning...I missed her...she knows everything about me...the good...the bad...and the ugly. Yet she doesn't judge me.I thank her for listening. I pour out my feelings to her...she gives her input and GREAT advice. Yet... I am a stubborn person so i choose not to follow it . I am a very strong times I feel I can overcome anything...invinsible. But there is one thing that puts me at my weakest point. I mean weak...scared. Not like scared as in im scared for my life scared. Scared of the truth...scared of the answers to my many questions..scared of what I don't know scared. Its uncontrollable and my very good friend says its because I try to stay positive and happy all the time covering all the pain and feelings I have inside. She is right. I struggle to keep a wall...with a little window ...around my heart. I want to protect my heart from being hurt by making a little window...just small enough for me to take a "glimpse" out and for someone to take a "glimpse" in. But sometimes moments take a toll on me....thoughts and feelings rush to my head and it is as though there is an earthquake breaking down my wall and shattering my little window...attemping to reveal my vulnerability...but instead I fight back and all that comes out are tears...uncontrollable tears. She kept saying "life is too short". I know it is...I say that to myself all the time...that is what keeps me going. But saying that can never make me stronger in my weakest area. I know its contradicting... and its hard to explain. I cry at times because it gives me the relief I need...however... the relief is only momentary. At other times I just keep repeating to myself that everything is fine...I'm fine...I'm happy...It gets me through everything. My very good friend says I'm hurting myself by doing this. I'm fine on the outside though...that is all that counts...I might be tearing up...bruising on the inside... but if it doesn't show on the outside...I'm fine. She says someday I will get the strength..........yea...someday...someday...maybe on my death bed even. Although it is unhealthy to keep this inside...I choose to. It took ALOT out of me just to write this. If you get it...if you understand...good. If you don't its ok I can't make it any clearer than this..or its that I'm too weak to do so. Some things are better left unsaid.


Monday, March 17, 2008

My Dear Friend Hector ...R.I.P

I can't believe it has been a year. I remember you like it was yesterday. I feel as though it was just yesterday when you strolled into my room to see what was happening. I still feel your hug...I still see your smile...I still hear your laugh...I still smell your scent. I will live with this forever and it is ok because I have nothing but fond memories to remember about you Hector. I miss you Hector. I love you Hector. Your kindness...comedy...realness...friendship... they will forever be cherished and remembered. A special person you were. Your passing brought so many of us together. Although it is sad it took a death...God had a good reason to take you when he did. You are my angel. I know you are watching me right now. Looking down on me playing a beautiful song on your guitar. :) Whether it was in spanish or english...I loved it. Whenever I hear the song "More than words" I think of you. It even makes me cry....although the tears are of sorrow from missing you...they are also tears of joy.
I was very reluctant to visit your rose bush today. I don't know why. I guess I try and make myself believe I understand why you were taken ...but I guess in my heart I'm still asking why. Why? Everyone up there is lucky to have you. I waited til 11pm today to sit by the rose bush and write a message to you on the stone. As soon as I reached I felt moisture in my throat got dry...and it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. I was overcome with sadness. Tears overwhelm me even as I write this. I'm glad I was alone when I visited your spot because I was able to be myself and just be alone with you. I meant everything I said and I stay true to those words until the day it is my turn to go. Don't party too much without me. Give my grandma a hug for me... tell my cousin Troy he is still loved and I will show love to auntie Marlene ...enough for the both of us. Until we meet again...

<3 you Forever & Always


Sunday, March 16, 2008

I Love Me!

I love Me. I choose Me. I'm happy with Me. Me and I always agree. I try and take care of Me the best I can because at the end of the day she is all I have. Of course I love my friends and family. But I can always count on Me. Through my ups and downs...sad times...lonely times...Me is always there. When I need the courage and positivity to do well on something...Me gives it to me. Me keeps my confidence high...she reminds me that I am a great...loving...intelligent...and beautiful person. She is my supporter...confidant...and friend. I couldn't ask for more from Me...she is just the best friend I could ever :)

Tamia's song "Me" inspired this blog...I love this song! Here is the song and the lyrics:

Love was a former owner, but quiet is renting our house
It ceases my lips from speaking, but forms a sarcastic smile
Suspense now raised one of your eyebrows
You ask me if there's someone else
I replied yes, hell yes
You asked me if it's another man, I said (no)
You laughed and say is it a woman, I say (yeah)
Surprisingly you asked for honey's name

And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again
'Cause if you haven't heard she's a bad chick
Eventhough I haven't been, no
Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angry hand
Put it down, put it down

I'm leavin don't try and stop me, (no)
I'm late and she is waiting, (yes)
My love for me is too much so I can't stay

And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

'Cause she's actually formin' a threesome
And I'm happy that I can join them, and
Their names are me, myself and I

And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know
I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love,
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love,
Gotta choose between you two,
and you know if I have to choose,
I choose me,
I gotta go with me

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Merced would probably be viewed as a nonchalant city. However, the inhabitants here at UC Merced would be just the opposite. There is so much drama. Where does the drama start? Sluts...whores...home wreckers...bops...whatever you want to call them. There are alot here...some steal boyfriends away from girls who are pregnant...only to use them as a fuck buddy....some sleep with multiple girls' boyfriends and find nothing wrong with it....some perform fellatio on numerous black guys because...honestly it could be just an obsession of theirs...who knows..and some sneak around with girl's boyfriends...slowly tearing them away from who they claim they love.

I don't know...maybe its because there is hardly anything else to do? That still doesnt make it right. Some of these girls need to sit down and a book...something to keep them occupied. If prostitution is what they are aiming for...You don't need college for that honey...just stand on a corner and be you...instead of embarrassing yourself and causing drama for the alreay stressed college students.

I'm glad I'm not involved in any of these situations but it boils my blood to see this shit happen...over and over again...I smile it off but! Do these whore's have pride?...a heart?...I hope they all soon catch an STD...word around is one already did and I'm happy for her....she gets what she deserves.


What happened to the Raven Simone we all knew?

I used to love raven! Especially in The Cosby show....she was so precious. My admiration even continued as she got older...she began signing...dancing..and even designing her own clothes. Then she had her own show "That's so Raven" and I loved that too. However, second season of that show she began to lose it. She began to gain all kinds of wait...i even had a teacher that called the show "the no necks show" cuz everyone was getting huge. So anyway..he dissappeared after cheetah girls and now she is back with a new movie and horrible fashion...why raven? why?

Maybe she was in a rush????....It doesnt seem like she finished getting ready...poor thing!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Wow...Cassie's (Dirty) Me and U video...haha

I like the "lets dance seductively in front of the mirror" version much
Its like the camera man is her love interest...looking at his hands it like he is some old creepy white guy...yuck!...haha

And its funny when she falls off the bed trying to pull off his pants...hahaha...But its realistic..there are awkward moments you have between you and a special person. If you feel really comfortable with that person you wont even care...just laugh it off

Monday, March 10, 2008

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

I like to associate myself with people who are genuine. People who accept me as I accept them. People who I am able to say "hi" to and they smile with a "hi" back. People who don't suddenly change without warning. Mind you this is just what I expect in associates...friends is a different story.

I expect what I expect in some. Friends should be honest. What is a friend without trust right? Friends understand when they are wrong...just as I understand when I am wrong. Friends don't judge friends. Friends don't throw friends under a bus. Friends don't envy friends...there is no point to jealousy. Friends lend a helping hand...we are here for each other. I love my friends but sometimes there is always that one or two that slowly drift down from associates..and ultimately enemies. I never want this to happen. But some people don't cherish friendship as much as I do...either that or they don't fully understand what it is to be a friend. I don't know...but it's pretty sad to me..makes no sense. But then again there are people that drift up...from friends.

Sometimes it's not the person's fault...sometimes its due to circumstances, which is human I guess. I always expect the that the best prevails in situations like these.

"He who is a friend is always a friend, and a brother is born for the time of stress"
-Proverbs 17:17

"Some friends bring ruin on us, but a true friend is more loyal than a brother"
- Proverb 18:24


Two weeks til Spring Break

What should I do for Spring Break?..I'm so excited ...YAY!...I can finally go home!....its been too long!

One of my goals is to spend at least one hour with old friends...I wanna show them I still love them! None of "yea we should kick it...definitely!" and then it doesn't happen. Priority goes to Desiree!..It's gonna be an 8 year reunion!...ahhhhhh...I miss her! yea Desiree gets priority...I will spend at least 1 hour with 7 old friends...meaning I haven't spent time with them in over 5

Monday is have been told that it will be "rude" not to hang out with a certain someone during my spring break...haha ...he has asked when my spring break is at least 10 times...haha...we havent hung out since I havent been to LA in almost 2 months! he has it...or he will be extremely upset with

New friends I have spring break with...we will definitely kick it...what shall we do???

However, the 1st 3 days (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) are devoted to my family...I miss them! :)


Sunday, March 9, 2008

I Love Big Brother but...

Matt is gonna get is ass kicked.... You can't say the N word on national television as a white no no...I'm sorry Matt. Man. Big Brother will get complaints because I know ppl that get SUPER offended when they hear someone using the N word who is not black.

Just send Matt home and it will all be dont mess with blacks...they will have you kicked off the show immediately! Too bad Parker, the only black guy that was in the house, isnt there to kick his was cute...I'm sad he left :( ...he reminded me of sexy Gary Dourdan from CSI: Las Vegas...mmmmm)

But Check this out!..Parker is a TMZ reporter!...ahhhhhhh....thats juicy stuff...he has the inside dirt!

But yea..check Matt out...there is another video but I cant get it to play on here...check it out on

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

5 Years From Now

I used to be able to predict this. But now ...I am not absolutely sure what will happen or where I will be. Will I be happy or sad? Will I be a success of a failure? Will I be married? Will I have a child? Will I still have the same friends I have now? Will I even be alive? ...These are questions I ponder but I can never come to an actual answer. I am taught to leave it in God's hands...I have faith in God that his choices for me will always be the right one. But I'm scared. Me and God don't have the same mindset...that is a definite fact ..what I want for myself I want to live my life...who I want in my long I want to's not up to me. So yea, I'm scared. But all I can do now is take advantage of the present...people ask me why I smile so much...laugh so much...or even why I talk so much. Well, smiling helps me to remind myself how lucky I am to be alive and how lucky I am to be where I am today. Laughing keeps me happy...keeps me living...keeps me sane...helps me to enjoy the moment...makes it last...brings the smile back to my face if it ever happens to fall. And Talking, limits the regrets I will leave this earth with...I want to express myself and say all I can may make a may not...but all that matters is that I gave it a try. ..and honestly talking helps me to meet new people which I love to do. Staying positive and optimistic is best for me now I guess.

Monica just asked me If I have read the book "The secret" ...I havent but I did watch the movie over winter break and I loved it. Everyone should watch it. It is definitely motivation for me. The movie can be life changing if you take the information to heart. The movie basically describes the events in life as a result of law of attraction. By law of attraction it is said that an individuals feelings and thoughts of every minute of every day "attract" the actual events that take place in peoples' lives. There is a part in the movie where a man not knowing where his future is headed makes a chart (I cannot believe I dont remember what this chart is has a particular name)...anyway...on the chart he pastes a picture of a home, a particular car, money, a baby, and some other things. He told himself that everything on that chart would be in his life in the future and he stayed positive about it. Some odd years later his son finds the chart and asks the dad what it is. The man looks at the chart and is amazed because he is living in the same house that is on the picture..drives a similar car...has a son...and has a very successful job. His story inspired me and I wanted to make a chart as soon as I got back to school but I forgot. I am definitely making it this weekend.

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve"- W. Clement Stone (From the movie)
I think I will be happy and closer to success in the 5 it shall be. Whether I will be married with kids.. I am not sure of but definately in the next 10 years. Whether I will be alive....I shall not think about. I am thinking of the positive outcomes so that is what must come about. Why waste my time thinking about the negative possibilities?


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

These Primaries...

Man...these primaries have me on my tippy toes. It is so close between Hilary and Barack. Hilary took Texas and Ohio today...lucky for her...cuz if she didnt she would have had no point in continuing her run. So yea this is dragging on more.... and more and more and more.....Barack Obama still has the most delegates tho yay!...but could have been over this shows how strong of a woman Hilary is...she is fighting! However I am still rooting for Obama...he can do it...we can do it..."Yes we can!" Let's Go Obama!...Vote ppl Vote! We need him...we need change and progress. Obama is the MAN!

Check this video out...I wanna make one too!...There should be one made by us college students...a bomb one too...Who is down???... I'll do lead vocals ;-) ...haha


Monday, March 3, 2008

Love In the Club

I kid you not...I have heard this song at least 20 times today! It is unbelievable...the variety of people that are in love with this song...It's catching on to me though...I can feel it! haha
Although I love the beat..(keeps you grindin and can be potential baby makin music...for those that wanna make babies of course...not words have me hooked. Here are two of my favorite parts in the song. (not including the chorus of course...i mean I like the chorus and all but it has no meaning for me...I'm not tryna have no sex in the club..haha)

"You got some friends rollin’ wit you baby then that's cool
You can leave them with my niggas let em know that I got you
If you didn’t know, you’re the only thing that’s on my mind
Cuz the way I'm staring miss you got me wantin to give it to you all night" -Usher

"I’ll set you free...sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally"- Young Jeezy

If I am truley the only thing on your mind...and you are able to set me free in all aspects of my being...then you are my guy! :)

Ok well enjoy the song!


Sunday, March 2, 2008

What a great weekend in Merced!

Man I have been slacking in the blogging!...But I have good reason! I enjoyed this weekend with my girls!

It all started friday when we packed into Monleisha's car like a bunch of Mexican's!...well 4 1/2 of us out of 7 were Mexican...haha. But anyway we took Monica, Michelle, Christina, and Monleisha's suitmate to the Train station...we thought they were late but they were just in time!..yay! So then we rush back to school so that T can get his bags from the car so he can go on his trip to UCSB for the weekend. I rest..then I go to dinner with Kiy ....we were so bored waiting for Mo to get off of work and Erica to finish her exam! So bored that we saw this tall sexy boy from the JC wondering around the school so we decided to follow him..hahahahaha. You case he got lost and needed us to show him the yea that eed with him getting into his car at the top of the hill and leaving..booooooo! So then ....Erica was finally off out of her exam so we sat in the DC waiting for Mo ....instead these random boys from the bay came up to us asking where are the parties..hahahahahaha...who comes to Merced to party?...anyway yea we told them there were parties but we didnt know where they were. ......Mo finally got off work and we went to coldstones and blockbuster where we saw Kiy's foreign boo...and my foreign boo..yay!..our kids are gonna be bomb...haha! We ate our icecream watched this ghetto ass movie called "confessions of a call girl"...never again...thats all i have to ended the night/ morning at 3am with Me, Kiy, and Mo all in one bed watching the reaping cuz Mo was scared..haha.

So Saturday...I didnt wake p til 1..and Kiy didnt wake up til almost 3...haha. We chilled all day doing nothing but laughing about stuff on the computer....then erica joined us when she got off of work. Then we went to dinner...called Mo and hang out in the DC for about an hour. Oh yea and I got charged 75 cents for my banana smoothie cuz the girl thought i just wanted a banana...haha....dumb ass. Anyway we made it to my room..called veronica..and we played monopoly while watching this movie on BET called "Motives" it was good and we are renting "Motives 2" soon! Somehow the topic of sex came into convo...but thats another blog..we shall not go into that right now..haha....anyway right after Mo won the game..Vic came strolling in like always saying he wanted to know what we were up 2. We ended up playing scategories...erica won (cuz she cheated..haha)...She went home and Vic left. So then Me, kiy, veronica, and mo got we hoped in Mo's car and went to Taco bell aroun midnight..haha...Kiy clearly ordered nachos but when we got to the window she said she wanted a burrito...they were about to close so they gave it to her for free!...yay!...cuz I had some too haha!..We made a quick stop at 7/11 then headed back to school to watch "little miss sunshine"...everyone thought it was gonna be stupid but kiy made us watch it and it eneded up to be pretty funny!...haha..our night/ morning eneded around 4am so Veronica and Mo stayed and slept over...while Kiy strolled to her!

Sunday came!...Me, Mo, and kiy went to eat at 1...and surprisingly..they still had breakfast! ...homeboy hooked us up with ALOT of breakfast... we were like whoa! We ate...then came back to my room and watched blood diamond because Mo has never seen it! the time that long ass (but good) movie was over it was time for dinner...we ate...chilled some more...then went to pick up T so he could make it to the bball game to play at 8!...they arrived at 8:01 but were still able to play..yay! Mobenjamins played at 9 but!...But I got a good laugh because we played that stupid team with their stupid coach and score keeper..haha...comedy!..I have a clip of their little college undergrad coach and "batman" arguing with the coach..haha...comedy!..I shall post soon! Go Laker's!

All and all my weekend was non-productive but I had fun!...yay! :)