Had a two and a half hour convo with a very good friend last night/ this morning...I missed her...she knows everything about me...the good...the bad...and the ugly. Yet she doesn't judge me.I thank her for listening. I pour out my feelings to her...she gives her input and GREAT advice. Yet... I am a stubborn person so i choose not to follow it . I am a very strong person...at times I feel I can overcome anything...invinsible. But there is one thing that puts me at my weakest point. I mean weak...scared. Not like scared as in im scared for my life scared. Scared of the truth...scared of the answers to my many questions..scared of what I don't know scared. Its uncontrollable and my very good friend says its because I try to stay positive and happy all the time covering all the pain and feelings I have inside. She is right. I struggle to keep a wall...with a little window ...around my heart. I want to protect my heart from being hurt by making a little window...just small enough for me to take a "glimpse" out and for someone to take a "glimpse" in. But sometimes moments take a toll on me....thoughts and feelings rush to my head and it is as though there is an earthquake breaking down my wall and shattering my little window...attemping to reveal my vulnerability...but instead I fight back and all that comes out are tears...uncontrollable tears. She kept saying "life is too short". I know it is...I say that to myself all the time...that is what keeps me going. But saying that can never make me stronger in my weakest area. I know its contradicting... and its hard to explain. I cry at times because it gives me the relief I need...however... the relief is only momentary. At other times I just keep repeating to myself that everything is fine...I'm fine...I'm happy...It gets me through everything. My very good friend says I'm hurting myself by doing this. I'm fine on the outside though...that is all that counts...I might be tearing up...bruising on the inside... but if it doesn't show on the outside...I'm fine. She says someday I will get the strength..........yea...someday...someday...maybe on my death bed even. Although it is unhealthy to keep this inside...I choose to. It took ALOT out of me just to write this. If you get it...if you understand...good. If you don't its ok I can't make it any clearer than this..or its that I'm too weak to do so. Some things are better left unsaid.
~*Bethany*
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3 comments:
Your a strong person, yes you are and this situation your talkin about I think we sorta kinda talked about, so I'm going to tell you frome xperience that you need to open your MOUTH, and say something. Dnt keep stuff bundled inside, you deserve to be HAPPY internally as well as the happyness you convey on the outside.
So stop bein afraid and say something!
It's not that easy kiy.
I think I'll be fine once I let it out though. The hardest part is saying something...I'll be fine with whatever response I get...I wont feel as weak as I do now...
I agree with Kiy sissy ..you are a strong person and i honestly wish i had your outspokeness( is this a word?0 sometimes but you deserve to be happy and not just pretending to be happy ..just speak wats on your heart becuz sometimes you only get once chance and you deserve the best and all the joy in the world sissy not jus for helping wit my problems but jus helping eveyone you ever met and being a genuinely good person but yea just say watz on your heart becuz something aren't better left unsaid. <3 u sissy
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