It Could Be Worse

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up"
-Psalm 71:20

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest"
-Exodus 33:14

When can I rest?

I guess my strength is my success. I hide the hidden well. I wrote quite a bit about how terrible my life is going...but then I erased it all. Of course it causes heartache, stress, and sorrow...but then I thought...my situation could be worse.

I thank everyone here for me.

Bury That Shit!

Me and Kiy are fed up! the shit is dead! Wont charge (gets only 3 bars after 8 hrs of charging)! Wants to shut off at random times! Erases my text messages! Looks like shit! Man! 11 more days...then I can bury this shit! Ugh!

I MET KANYE WEST! :)

So yes this is 3 days late because Ive been busy. lol

So I will never forget June 24th 2008 between 10:35pm and 10:39pm. Kanye went into my store...picked up like 15 magazines....and stood in my line. I could not breathe. He was the 3rd person in my line. Didnt know what to say but I happen to spit out.. "Omg its you kanye! I went to your concert twice..it was amazing!" like a complete loser...lol. He smiled and said "Hey...hold on sweetie..I'm sorry I'm on the phone"....I said "Ok.. im sorry!" Still couldnt breathe...He was finally my customer. We shared words. Eye contact. Smiles. I rang up his magazines. He paid with his black card. And I got his autograph! Yay! Off to Paris he went. Into a daze I went...lol

To Am*dam

^Even tho its spelled AmSTERdam...this is how people from there write it. *Shrugs Shoulders* Maybe its a way of making them feel cool. Its cool to me....never knew they did that.

Got a postcard from someone at my job...they want me to mail it for them since there is no mailbox in the airport.

"Dearest Iana,

Sunshine and California surf boys...its all there as in the movies!

I feel like a star even out of Am*dam :) ,

Landona"

I read it and smiled at her...its cute how they compare california to what they see in the movies. She said "you are so lucky"! Hmmm...why dont I feel that lucky? Its funny how tourists see more of California than I have seen in my 14 years of living here. Dont get me wrong...I Love California! Its just that maybe I need to see more of California...cuz what Ive seen already bores me now.

The Distance

No matter how close I believe or want to believe me and my mommy are...(see I even still call her mommy...it feels weird to say mom or mother...i dont know why..."mommy"....its like Im still a baby begging for attention) ...there is always distance between us...an unexplainable...heart-clenching distance. For as long as I could remember. We get closer...and something or someone pushes us apart...or maybe we do the moving ourselves :-\. Well this someone has done their part...I think I've reached the other side of the world now...there cant possibly be anymore distance than there is now...

More Than A Dream

Have you ever had a dream about something so real it is as though it is a vision of what you should aim for... be... make happen? As though it were reality...a glimpse of the future?

I believe my dreams are sort of an incentive for me. I live in hopes of living that moment I got a glimpse of...smiling that smile I smiled...laughing that laugh of pure joy...the kind of joy that makes you feel complete...secure...stable. Like nothing in the world can take that joy from you because it feels meant to be...all you ever wanted...all you will ever need. Sure there wil be joy after this moment...but this is the moment you live for. The moment I live for...or at least I think I live for...I am continuously in pursuit of. However it feels as though whenever I come close to setting a clear path to fulfill my longing for that moment...that joyous time in my life...I am turned away ....to start over. Or maybe its not starting over...maybe there is no such thing as a 'clear' path. The path is there....I am on it...its just those obstacles...struggles...and everything in between that are in my way.

The fact that I have to overcome so much for a moment of happiness that I have dreamed about...that will ultimately become the base of my happiness from that day forward...is well worth it to me. That's how bad I want it. Whenever in doubt...I remember what it is I believe I'm living for. Even if I have to try again.

Ignorance

So this little statement a lady made yesterday has been bugging me. Yesterday I went to go and register for a summer class at West LA...they are certainly doing too much with this "take a ticket" thing....lol You walk in and select on the touch screen whether you are there to apply, enroll, transfer...yadda yadda yadda...and bam a ticket pops out and you wait. So yea I select what Im there for.. get my ticket..fill out papers.. and wait for my number to be called. So time goes by and they call ...um...lets say 171....171 doesnt step up. So then they call 172...172 approaches the window and begins being served. 171 comes in the room... "omg did they skip me?"...she swings her hair and switches back and forth until she gets to the window..."Excuse me I was before him!". The lady behind the counter responds "ok well when I called your number you werent here so you must take a seat and wait". The lady sucks her teeth..rolls her eyes and switches outside of the room, into the next, to take a seat. The lady behind the counter helps 172 and then when the she is finished helping him she proceeds to say "and sorry for miss thing...walkin in here like she is Gods gift to the world...she is trippin...yanno?..." before she continues 171 comes switchin/stoppin in with her heels...lol...im not gonna lie it scared me cuz she came out of no where...haha. So the convo goes...
"What is your name!?"
"Helen"
"What is your last name!?"
"I dont have to give you that"
"Cuz I heard what you were saying about me"
"mhhhmmm"
"And that was unnecessary...Im going to report you"
"Go ahead"
*Stomping off* "Ugh!...thats why you cant give black people no job behind the counter"
Ok so some people are in shock and some giggling. Me...im thinking why did she have to say that? I mean if it were a white woman who said that...or any other race besides black...I am sure there would have been some side heated argument. What does she mean by that? Yes the lady was wrong for talking about her to another person but that doesnt give her the right to down talk ALL black people. I believe its a personal problem...not a 'black' problem. *Sigh* I think black people are doing very well for themselves nowadays... I'm very happy for the progress we are making...no one can stop us....and I am on my way. I hope saying that didn't make her feel better...cuz she just looked real ignorant after that and the statement didn't justify anything. Smh... Well I'm off to encounter more ignorant people in the world...

Well I guess if there weren't ignorant people then there would be no one to prove wrong huh? lol ...funny how life works.

The View from Here

This back and forth sparing between Spike Lee and Clint Eastwood has got me thinking when I watch historic movies now. "Using a wider-angle lens might have brought into sharper focus a group often elbowed to history's fringes" ends an article in Time magazine. I totally agree. To write, direct, cast, or produce a movie one must have an open mind...an accurate account...a viewers perspective....Especially when shooting a film based on a historic event. Of course their purpose is to display their work of art and to please critics and viewers....but most importantly to inform viewers. Why do I say inform? Because honestly most Americans do learn from movies alone. Some are way too lazy to pick up a book and inform themselves on anything...much less history that they on hear say and movies.

For Example, I remember when Titanic came out and a classmate of mine asked the teacher "so is this movie real?" Instead of the teacher responding... a confident but naive classmate of mine stated "yes it is real, my mom told me that this huge giant ship sank because there was this popular couple ..Rose and Jack...on board and all of the crew admired them ...so they were too busy paying attention to them that the didnt see this big ice rock and the big ship hit it and then the ship went down...but no black people died because none were in the movie...Rose is still alive...she is old now". Me sitting in that class ...I believed every word that girl said. lol.... Until the teacher corrected her and gave us an assignment to research the Titanic. There were black people on board the Titanic and it is recorded that one man did die. Movies give you an idea of the history...an accurate idea is preferred of course but it does all depend on the directors focus.

Clint Eastwood wanted to focus on the men who raised the flag at Iwo Jima...not the U.S. Forces as a whole. But I do agree with Spike Lee...there should have at least been 1 black extra yanno? He could have been holding his gun in the distance ...laying dead....tying his shoe...anything!...No lines necessary...just a glimpse of a Negro on site would be enough. Because believe me..people notice. And im not just talking about black people...lots of people notice...and the people who take movies to heart and the movies is there only account of history...they take the message and run with it. If there were no black people on screen...then they were not present during that time in history... credulous i know...but that is just how some people think. Spike Lee is aware of that... im sure. But im sure that is not his only reason for speaking up. Actors are a part of the art/design of a movie. The picture was not complete. I can put it this way...to me its like a piece of Picasso's work...not complete without plenty of color..although daring...it gives a better picture. So yea... I agree that the lens needed to be adjusted and focus sharpened to capture the black labor during the war. Because without the hundreds of African Americans that fought in the war...i am with no doubt sure there would have been a different ending.

It's Gasol time baby!

I think Pau Gasol was hands down the best player tonight..he handled business with points, rebounds, assists...everything!...He was great! Show em how its done in España Gasol! lol That was a good game!

...however I have a feeling the Celtics will win the next one. Although I am a Laker fan it would be nice to finally see Kevin Garnett get a ring...he deserves it!

OH YEAH!...a question I have is whatever happened to cry baby Paul Pierce?...magically he is all better makin 30 somethin points and shit...take a bow...he deserves an Oscar! lol

Shit...Nigga you at least 30!

LMAO! Me and my sister just felt like watching "Bad Boys II" last night. Hilarious watching it again and it did not seem as long as it did the first time. We re winded this scene at least 5 times hahahahaha!





Poor Reggie...hahhaahhaha!

My Dad doesn't want to See Sounds

Lmao...ok so while I was driving my dad to pick up one of his cars from cerritos 2day I was listenin to N.E.R.D's Seeing Sounds (for the 3rd time cuz I really love it...lol) he had some commentary...

Dad: What is this you're listening to?

Me: (gigglin) What? What did they say?

Dad: I don't know

Me: Then what are u talking about? Its N.E.R.D

Dad: Ooooooooohhhh Ok!

Me: Yea...you've heard of them?

Dad: No

Me: Hahahahaha....then why did u say Ooooohhh Ok like u knew...hahaha

Dad: You've been hangin around too many white people

Me: What? Hahaha...No all kinds of people listen to N.E.R.D.... Have u heard of Pharrell?...my boo

Dad: Your what? No I don't know him

Me: Wow!...N.E.R.D were part of the line up for that Kanye concert I went to in Sac and on Saturday....I know you kno drop it like its hot...Pharrell did that song with snoop

Dad: Oh mmhhhmmm...anyway...put in Bob Marley or Super Cat

Me: I don't have that...I was gonna listen to Lil Wayne's new cd next.

Dad: Oh ok..yea put it in.

Me: Hahaha...ok so your a fan of him

Dad: Ya Big ups to Weezy he doin Big tings

Me: -_- (getting ready to change cd's)

(Anti Matter Begins to Play)

Dad: Let this play...then put Weezy in

Me: Hhahaha...ok

Lol....wow...I guess he likes Anti Matter...he would love the rest if he got to listen to the whole thing I think. This just stuck in my head all day...lol.

I Love It...I Want It!

I dont know what to do!!! I love it ...for $199!!! I was planning on buying a new phone friday. But when I found out this is coming out July 11th and I became confused. I need a new phone now...Im tired of my kick3..its been dropped so many times...hahaha. So I need a new phone now....but this comes out in 1 whole month....Arrrghhhh!...lol.... Decisions, Decisions!

Great Song

Usher..."His Mistakes"...Written by Ne-Yo. Damn Ne-Yo is writing hit after hit! If you haven't listened to this song...I say listen! It's Great! It can be replaced with "Her" mistakes as well...people shouldnt make their old relationships effect their view on a future or current relationship...it just isnt fair to that person. You could possibly ruin or pass up something great...like a future 50 year anniversary (sorry I say 50 cuz thats my goal when I get married :) ) This needs to be the next big single...I wanna see him make this song a video already...lol

I Hate Traffic

This was me last night...well past midnight and the freeway was jam packed. Slow movin cars...people on the freeway snappin pictures in their car..blastin music and taking pictures of the people in the car next to them. Never seen people so happy to be in traffic at 1 in the morning...lol. Damn...All because of Kanye...he is real bomb for that...lol. He is worth people wasting their 5 dollar gas...cuz in the end...it wasn't wasted :)

The June 10th Excitement!

OR

For Some reason I am more excited about NERD's Seeing Sounds than Lil Wayne's Carter III. Besides the fact that Pharrell is my boyfriend...I think Seeing Sounds will be a little more interesting. Not that the Carter III CD wont be HOT...cuz believe me...from hearing the singles already leaked ...I KNOW its gonna be HOT! But that's just it... Lil Wayne's songs have been leaked more than NERD's songs so my anticipation runs high for Seeing Sounds. Well...Anywho I will be getting both CDs...yay! Which CD am I poppin in first you ask? ....I wanna See Sounds baby! ;-)


(And no I do not need you to tell me where I can listen to the whole CD in full...lol...just let me anticipate...k?...k)

Everyone Nose

Hahaha...The cover of LA Times Yesterday. Embarrassing injury. Priceless photo.

Paul Pierce looks like he is enjoying taking a whiff of Kobe before he falls to the ground...and Kobe is like "Ayyyy man!...get off me with that gay shit!" hahahahaha

Those Darn Gas Prices!

1 gallon of gas is nearly $5. Wow I cannot believe that...1 gallon. I remember complaining about $3 dollar gas about a month ago...now this. Ugh!...and now its getting harder to find the pump stations closer to $4 dollars. Its funny where they are located tho...it seems like gas is more expensive in the hood than anywhere else...y is that? Hmmm...I did read in the economist that gas prices are hurting the "rich world" more. Their reasoning is because the more wealthy people have many cars and in addition most of them are SUVs while the poorer people have maybe one o no car at all. Hmmmm...makes sense. But back to me...these gas prices are kicking my butt people are about to make motor scooters are taking the bus the new hot thing....haha. Yea sure you can buy the hybrid but what r u gonna do with your old car? ....Other people are looking to buy hybrids too so they are not gonna wanna buy your old car....crazy gas prices. No they have people thinking...do I use this money to pay my utility bill...pay my mortgage/rent....or put gas in my car...lol. Its ridiculous. But when you have places to go...or people to see...how many choices do u really have???

On the brighter side I got a letter yesterday saying I should receive my stimulus payment by june 6th....so I'm excited...they better give me my money!...lol. The government thinks they are slick too...this extra money is going straight to the pump station to put more gas in my car...haha..wow...then right back to them. Sheesh....If only I were discover a new oil spot...then there would be no gas price worries for me...lol

Dearly Beloved

So I sit here at bottom of lifeguard tower 45 ...feet planted in the softness of the earth...and I feel at home. Where the view is perfect...the atmosphere is calm...and I have no worries in the world. All my worries swept away by the waves of the ocean...the waves slam them against the earth...the rocks help diminish the presence... then they are carried away to the deepness of the sea....leaving my free. Free...haha...that I am. A smile appears on my face. All the while I view the sun ...setting behind the greatness of the mountains... protected until morning. Me...wishing I could go with. Nevertheless I will be ok...God is here...I always feel closer to him here for some reason. He is my great protector and he has sent the moon to light the night sky. I will be ok. God has helped me get through the struggles of the day as well as the night for nearly 20 years. "God will take you through hell...just to get you to heaven"..T.I. jams through my ipod into my ear :). Everything will be ok..I trust him. Even if I have to shed tears as big as the ocean he has created himself. Because in the end...I have always witnessed the joy and happiness I feel after the sadness...the loneliness...the struggle. That is what I live for :)...that is what I look forward to day after day. I love those times and I'm sure God has plenty of them planned for me. Hopefully I have 2maro to look forward to...If not... I can say I enjoyed life....glad I had the chance to make it this far...love the people I have met and my love will never end...but my life on earth did...its ok it only means its time for God to spend some time with me. Lets not think of that tho. I might have overstayed my welcome in her eyes...or maybe she has just left the path of God's light and needs to be guided back. Whatever the reason...God isn't done with me...I have still have a life to live...lives to impact. No matter how low I feel..I will always have God on my side...and the ocean is here to cast my worries away...forget them...and continue to live my beautiful life. My life is truely beautiful...I can honestly say :).

I Hope Not...

I hope i dont have breast cancer..its nothing to joke about so im not joking. My chest has been killing me all day. I feel like there is some sort of tumor in my chest that is pressing against my lungs and heart so hard that I can barely breathe. Well I mean I can breathe but I feel pressure in my chest...it feels like a rock is stuck or something. It also feels like something is stuck in the bottom of my throat. Aarrggghhh! I wish it would just go away...hopefully it will. Hopefully its not serious...like some form of cancer..like breast cancer -_-. Oh man it hurts. Maybe I should go to the emergency room...Im scared tho..of what they mught say and what they might do. Or maybe its not that serious. Its only been like this for 2 days. Ill see how it is when i wake up...then maybe ill go see my doctor in the morning before work.

Pray for me.